I feel _____

I finally said it out loud, "I think about my childhood and I feel entitled" my mom's response, "To what?" my reply, "Whatever I ask for." This was in reference to my father's lack of a presence in my life both financially and emotionally. I live with him temporarily and I have no money and need a hair cut but I can't get that but my sister keeps her hair done and gets an allowance. *pause for a side eye* I have been given a total of $100 since being here since May 19th. All of which I spent on personal hygiene items and to live comfortably in their home...But anyway...

It felt good to finally feel safe enough to actually let the words leave my heart, travel to my lips and be spoken. I didn't think it would be to my mom though, maybe a friend Rhiannon or Quinnetta but not Rhonda Marie. Better out than in though, right? My only problem with that is, now that I have acknowledged my feelings I can't talk to the needed people to adjust how I'm feeling. So where does that leave me? Living in this apartment with people who feel like I don't have a right to be here, me walking around angry or putting on a smile and pretending that I'm not affected or I don't see or hear the truth in their eyes or voice. I know my girl Ty would tell me to pray but I really don't think prayer will heal me, because prayer without action never works. Action on their part to be: adults and admit to their faults, be great parents the kind that provide more than the necessities (food, water, and shelter), and actively changing their behavior after all the talking is done. You don't have to vocally validate my feelings but REALLY validate them by changing and NOT when it's convenient.

Luckily, I did not come here hoping on stars or moons thinking I would change something that has been this way my entire 22 years of existence. I came here to go to school and establish a life that fulfills me and gives me a sense of accomplishment. Thus that is what I put my effort into daily and not the negativity that surrounds and haunts to destroy me daily. Thankfully with the help of my family (mom, uncle Frank/auntie Misha, and Rhiannon)and friend I'm sure will become family (Quinetta) I am sane, and I am not in financial trouble. The countdown continues tho...5 weeks and I will be in school and quite possibly moving out on my own. Just the thought of those things bring a smile to my face. I'm taking my smile for now...