I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart

This is so much bigger than me. I think that somewhere down the line I lost sight of that. I was silly enough to think that this was something I could do alone or with the help of someone other than MY God. A foolish move on my part but we are all foolish at some level, right? I'm learning, slowly but surely that even in my loneliest times I am not alone. Fore last night was a true test of my mental, physical, and emotional strength. I may have appeared to have failed but I came out a winner. I fought against urges that I learned growing up were acceptable but I know aren't healthy for me. In a split second I had a choice to make and I chose me. As always when it comes to a point where I have to choose between myself and another human being I will always be selected. It's like choosing life or death, past or present.

Everything happens for a reason and there is a lesson in every experience. Some people are meant to be seasonal people but what I choose to take from having her in my life is that how things begin is how they end, sometimes it's better to not maintain a relationship (friendship) after a break up, I know myself and my limits, and that she was my mirror, meaning she showed me all the things that I don't like about myself and brought things to my attention that I need to work on. Not for the benefit of having someone but because I didn't like what I saw. I know I'm not perfect or the horrible person she brought out in me but each day will be a step in the right (positive) direction.

A closing to another chapter of my life. I wouldn't rewrite a single word, phrase, or paragraph. I wouldn't even change the title, "Really Looking in the Mirror". I wouldn't change the way I felt living or writing this chapter. Every tear, every laugh, every violent urge, every conversation or argument, every date or intimate moment was all worth it. Through these tears I'm shedding I will always love and dislike her all at the same time.

As always, reality is much better than some fairytale or make believe scenario.